Comics by Shaenon II

[SoItBegins]

All those of you who are patiently waiting for your Mad Scientist Wars invitations, don't despair! Here, in this thread, you can practice warring with your other Mad Scientist wannabes. Tinfoil hats are available at the door.

Best of luck!

...heh heh heh.

[Dr. Amino]

TINFOIL!!! YAY!!!

*ahem* "Ingrid, write a letter."
"Yes, ma'am."
"To: All Aspiring Mad Scientists
From: Dr. Dana N. Amino
I understand that you all think you have what it takes you defeat me. Wrong! Soon you all cower under the might of Dr. Dana N. Amino. Especially you, Lord Dave. You shall recant the lie you said about Survivor. Oh yes you shall. For none shall escape the might of my army of chinchilla clones!!! BWAHAHAHAHA! No garden shall be left unscathed! No petunia will survive when faced with the might of my chinchilla army! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Sincerely, Dr. Dana N. Amino."

(You're quite mad, aren't you, miss?)
(Why, thank you, President Grant)

[Mr Sitouh]

Ah, excellent. While his attention is focused on Lord Dave (who we will deal with later - honestly, the Olson twins? Have you no decency?) I can launch my own attack.

Let's see if that old backdoor into the Lego Mindstorms is still working - oh, goody it is. God bless those Danes and their over-engineered toys. Turing, scan for all hijackable models, and coordinate the assault on Dr. Amino.

Oh, and give me control of the most interesting-looking one. I want to play, too.

[Lord Dave]

Lord Dave sits in his study, making the finishing touches on his most diabolical device yet: A furby so cute it will be irrisistable to all women and children. A combined mixture of the old furby, a tickle me elmo, and Axe Body spray.

Dave: Yes... soon my ultimate weapon will be completed. My Furry pet me Dave doll will cause the women and children of the world to be slaves to it. And as we know, behind every great man is a woman. Without women all the men in the world will whimper and fall and only the intelligent, the nerds will survive. And with no children and their cell phones, talking for hours on end, the world will be righted.

He spoke this to no one.

*ding*

Computer: You've got mail.

Dave turned around and looked at his computer. AOL has told him he had e-mail. A message from Dr. Dana N. Amino

"To: All Aspiring Mad Scientists
From: Dr. Dana N. Amino
I understand that you all think you have what it takes you defeat me. Wrong! Soon you all cower under the might of Dr. Dana N. Amino. Especially you, Lord Dave. You shall recant the lie you said about Survivor. Oh yes you shall. For none shall escape the might of my army of chinchilla clones!!! BWAHAHAHAHA! No garden shall be left unscathed! No petunia will survive when faced with the might of my chinchilla army! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Sincerely, Dr. Dana N. Amino."



Dave: What?! How dare she! She shall suffer my wrath....

Using the great power of the net, Dave sends Dr. Amino's e-mail to every single porn site, pharmaceutical company, magazine, beauty product, plastic surgeon, non-FDA approved male enhancement drug, and Nigerian bank in the whole net. He replies to Dr. Amino simply....

"Dear Ms. Amino,
You shun the truth and for that you shall be buried in your ignorance. Feel my wrath.
And stay in school.

Sincerely,

Lord Dave
Evil Sociologist/Marketing executive

[Dr. Amino]

Time to check my email...Wow! Three hundred new messages! There must be more aspiring mad scientists than I thought. Hmm...Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam. More spam. Why is there so much spam in my inbox?! Hey, here's something from Lord Dave. *reads email*

How dare he flood my inbox with spam! Lord Dave, your garden is the first to die! Attention, my chinchilla army! Your mission is to destroy the garden of my nemesis, Lord Dave! Devour every flowerbed! Gnaw every shrub! Leave no flowering, leguminous herb standing! BWAHAHAHA!

Now, to get rid of all this spam. But how? I know! I'll construct a genetically-coded virus that will attach itself via broadband to every spam website, causing any emails sent to me to morph into cybernetic weapons that shall assail the very fabric of the spam server until the websites are no more! BWAHAHA! Vengeance is mine!

"Um...Ma'am?"
"Yes, Ingrid?"
"You could just turn on the spam-block, ma'am."
*sigh* "You just don't understand the principles of mad sciences, do you, Ingrid?"

[Lord Dave]

With Dr. Amino dealt with, Dave turns his attention back to his doomsday device. Hours later he decides to head into the lot in the back to relax among the pure nature. Not much was there save for some weeds, a few trees, and his tomato plants.

However upon stepping outside he freezes. A vast wasteland of death.

Dave: No... NO! My tomatoes! Who could have done this?

Ignoring the group of chinchillas still nawing on some of the last weeds, Dave spots a city worker, making notations. He storms up to the man. This worker is not large or built. He is a small, glasses wearing man with a balding head. He looks confused as Dave strides up to him.

Dave: So... you think you can kill my garden like that do you? Have you no shame? Decency? Is this society more corrupt then I thought? Those were innocent tomatoes you fiend!

Man: I don't know what your talking about sir. What tomatoes?

Dave: Fool! The tomatoes you killed over there.
Pointing to the dead lot.

Man: But sir I'm just surveying the neighborhood for the new mini-mall the town is planning on putting in.

Dave: Mini-mall? Will it have a video store?

Man: Uhh.. well it might.

Dave: And dry cleaners?

Man: If we can find someone yes.

Dave: And... *his eyes glowing not with rage, but with desire and hope* and ... an ice cream shop?

Man: Yes. We have one lined up already.

Dave: WOHOOO!

Dave dances like a maniac in the street. A dance of joy.

Dave: Oh boy. oh boy, I can't wait.

Man: Well sir, just as soon as I finish this survey and we tear down that old theater then we'll be all set.

Dave: Old theater? But thats mine.

Man: Really? I have hear that the original owner mysteriously died several years ago.

Dave: No he didn't mysteriously die, I killed him with 80s music. Guy begged for the bullet after 3 hours. Now begone! And make your mall around my theater. Or else! No wait, on second thought...

Dave pulls out a picture of ralf nader and richard simmons doing aerobics, showing it in all its glory to the innocent man who screams in terror and runs away.

[Dr. Amino]

Oh, yes. Everything is going according to plan. BWAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHA-

"Excuse me, ma'am? Your dinner is ready."
"Oh, yes, thank you, Ingrid." Yum. Pasta linguini coated in homemade marinara sauce. My favorite. *takes bite* Mmm...Lord Dave may be my greatest and most despicable foe, but his tomatoes sure are delicious.

What a successful mission, if I do say so myself. Lord Dave's garden has been demolished, he has no idea it was me, and victory is mine, if only for the moment. The only way this day could get better was if I could somehow eliminate Mr. Sitouh. But how could I defeat a mad mathematican/computer scientist? He probably has one of those big fancy AI computers that could think circles around me! ...Wait a minute. Hmm...
"Ingrid? Do we still have a copy of those cybernetic email viruses I was talking about earlier?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well, bring it here...I have a little surprise for Mr. Sitouh." *takes flash drive with viruses on it* "Bow before the might of Dr. Amino, Sitouh!" *inserts flash drive* "BWAHAHAH-What?"

/Error. Evil overload. Cannot read E: drive. Error. Evil overload. Cannot read E: drive. Error. Error. 01010111000010000.../ *computer crashes*

*sigh* Back to the drawing board.

[Lord Dave]

Having destroyed yet another drone of the ignorant government elected by the ignorant people, Dave retreats back to his lair to flip through the internet in hopes of finding the press release of this mini-mall and alter it, creating a public frenzy that will throw the whole town into chaos.

He turns on the security cameras instead. What he finds is some weird creatures eating away at his lot, stealing his tomatoes.

Dave: So it wasn't that man after all...Ah well, he was ignorant. Now then, I must discover the identity of this attacker. To the Internet!

Using the great and powerful google, created by good mad scientiests, Dave asks his forum buddies about the strange creatures, posting picutres. 4Chan is a powerful place and in less then an hour he gets 3 answers, a wikipedia link and starts a flame war. The net is consumed again with bad grammar, horrible words, and insults to everyone's mother. The wikipedia entry points to one and only one person....

Dr. Amino.

Dave: Well, looks like someones a bit vengeful. I guess I'll have to educate her myself. To the bus station!


Several hours later, Dave finds himself at the evil lair of Dr. Amino....

*Insert Dramatic Music Here.*

[Dr. Amino]

I am trapped. I can do nothing but stand there, wondering how I found myself in such a fearsome situation. I know that if I don't get out of here soon, bad things will happen. No, I'm not facing off against Mr. Sitouh. No, I'm not in Lord Dave's lair. This is much, much worse.
I'm trying to buy a new desktop from an inexperienced computer salesman.

"For the last time, I just need a computer that has an adequate evil disk drive so that it can upload evil disk content without overloading. Do you have a computer that can be evil?"
"Uh…We have one that's red. Does that count?"
"No."
"Uh…What do you need the computer for?"
"For the manufacture of an army of cybergenetic viruses."
"Uh…Is that like a decal sticker or something?"
*exasperated sigh*
(That fool is insufferable! Shoot him!)
(That's a good idea, Zarquon.) *grabs vicious-looking laser gun* "Listen to me, you fool. I will only warn you once. If you don't give me a computer that is sufficiently evil, I'll-" *phone rings* "Just a second." *phone opens* "What is it, Ingrid?"
"Ma'am, there's a man here to see you."
"Tell him I'm in a meeting!"
"I told him that, ma'am, but he won't leave. He says his name is Lord Dave. He doesn't have an appointment."
"Oh, Lord Dave. What does he want?"
"I can't really tell, ma'am, but he's shouting something about tomatoes."
"Oh. Tell him I'll be right there." *faces incompetent sales associate* "You may have won this round-" *reads nametag* "-Dan. But I'll be back, I swear it!"

[Lord Dave]

ON:

Dave faced down Ingrid, the loyal henchwoman of Dr. Amino. She was holding a sonic blaster while Dave held a backstreet boys album and a CD player. A stalemate.

Dave: My tomatoes will be avenged.

Ingrid: And I'm telling you to make an appointment.

Dave: Produce has no appointment. It needs none. Tell me where Dr. Amino is!

Ingrid: I told you, she'll be with you when shes ready for you. Here you are, barging in without an appointment, and you expect to just speak to her? Shes is far more important then you. Just being in her presence is more then a nobody like you deserves.

Dave: Nobody?! I am Lord Dave! The genius behind the All Your Base Phenomenon! The mind who conceived of Windows! The creator of the Internet!

Ingrid: You didn't do those.

Dave: How dare you cut me out of the credits! I am Lord Dave and I make all things. Except "reality" TV. I mean thats just... wrong.

[Dr. Amino]

As I enter my lair, I hear Lord Dave's voice echoing through the antechamber. "How dare you cut me out of the credits! I am Lord Dave and I make all things. Except 'reality' TV. I mean thats just... wrong." I am outraged. First, Survivor, now this attack on reality television! This man has no shame.

"Lord Dave, I would advise you to put down your Backstreet Boys CD." *aims vicious-looking laser gun at him* "Ingrid gets terribly upset when people forget to make an appointment."
*Dave turns to Dr. Amino* "Ah, Dr. Amino, my ignorant foe. It seems I shall have to educate you about the dangers of destroying a man's tomato garden."
"Ah, so you realized it was I who sabotaged your precious vegetables."
"Ignorance! Tomatoes are a fruit, you fiend! If you took the time to look that up on wikipedia before you destroyed them you would know that!"
"Wikipedia is overrated."
"More ignorance! Wikipedia knows all! It was your file on wikipedia that made me realize that you sent your chinchillas to devour my innocent tomatoes!"
"Oh, yes, President Grant warned me to destroy that file--wait. You looked it up using your computer, correct?"
"...Yes." *Dave looks confused*
"Does your computer have an evil disk drive?"
"Yes, but-"
"Take me to your computer."
"What? Never!"
"Lord Dave, I need your computer to eliminate Mr. Sitouh. I'll make you a deal-"
"Dr. Amino!" *Dave talks through gritted teeth* "You misunderstand the nature of my visit. I did not come to make deals. I came to educate you." *Dave puts Backstreet Boys into CD player*

*Tempo of dramatic music increases*

[Lord Dave]

Lord Dave: And now, witness pain!

Dave presses the play button and... nothing happens. He presses it again. And again. He thumps it hard. Annoyed he growls at the player before turning back to Dr. Amino

Lord Dave: You win this round, but once I get a new CD player you'll pay, oh yes....

[Dr. Amino]

"Now, Lord Dave, you will take me to your computer. Your Backstreet Boys have failed you." *points gun at Lord Dave* "You are outnumbered and weaponless."
(Shoot him already!)
(No, Zarquon. I need him to lead me to his lair.)
(You're taking him back to his lair? He has weapons there that he could easily use against you!)
(The best course of action would be to hold him captive here.)
(Lord Dave is not to be underestimated. He could escape and hijack your laboratory.)
(So we're just going to let him leave? What kind of a plan is that? What if he has an army waiting outside?)
(Why would he leave it outside? He knows we have our own army. He wouldn't come in alone if he had backup.)
The Megalogical Rocket Society's debate is giving me a headache.
(Will you guys just shut up? I'm trying to think.)
Then I realize what I have to do. I aim my gun at Lord Dave's head. *shoots gun* It narrowly misses his skull, but the stench of burnt hair fills the room. "Think of this as a warning, Lord Dave. Leave now, and no further harm will come to you. Ingrid, show him the door."
"Gladly, ma'am." *turns on sonic blaster* "I'll give you three seconds to leave, sir."
Lord Dave doesn't wait three seconds. He runs out the door, yelling, "This is merely a tactical retreat, Amino! I'll be back!"
(Why did you do that? Now we gain nothing!) I don't answer Zarquon immediately, I just walk across the room and pick up a few strands of hair. Lord Dave's hair, to be exact. I grin evilly.
(On the contrary, Zarquon. I think we gain quite a lot.)

[Lord Dave]

Running outside and to safety, Dave dares to look back and sees no one following. Catching his breath he runs through everything in his mind. Searching for what went wrong. The CD player failed but why? Scouring his memories he comes to the one that gives him the information he needed... he took the batteries out for his furby.

Dave: Damnit! I forgot that. Well I guess I'll have to come up with something else... She said something about my computer, maybe she needs one. And maybe, just maybe I can use that.

Ideas begin to form and Dave grins, then laughs quietly to himself before skipping back to his lair. Inside he gets onto his PC and begins working, opening the evil Microsoft Office 2007 (home edition), which he pirated off the Internet. Using his skills he makes up a flier for an evil computer sale, prints about 500 copies, and runs out stapling them to telephone poles. The sale make a note of Evil computers with Evil software, able to handle even the most Evil of programs all cheap. The address? His lair.

Dave: Oh Amino, when I get through with you, you'll be begging for release. MWAHAHAHAH!

[Dr. Amino]

/Downloading DNA...0.1%. Downloading DNA...0.2%. Downloading DNA...0.3%/
As soon as I download Lord Dave's DNA, vengence will be mine! BWAHAHAHAHA! /Downloading DNA...0.3125%/ Can't this scanner scan any faster?! I wonder if any evil computer stores sell DNA scanners.
"Ingrid! Have you found any evil computer stores?"
"Well, ma'am, there is one." *hands over flier* "But there's one little problem."
"Problem? I don't see a problem. Highly sophisticated evil computers at low prices...this is perfect! Where is it?"
"Well, that's the problem, ma'am. It's at Lord Dave's lair. It's obviously a trap set up by Lord Dave."
"Oh, Ingrid, you are so naive. It couldn't possibly be a trap set up by Lord Dave!"
"And, why not, ma'am?"
"Because, Ingrid, the only possible person who could be operating from Lord Dave's lair is Lord Dave, and Lord Dave knows that I know that the only possible person who could be operating from Lord Dave's lair is Lord Dave, so he's going to want to know that I don't know that he knows that I know that the only possible person who could be operating from Lord Dave's lair is obviously Lord Dave, and so he's going to want to know that he's not the obvious person operating from his lair, so if he's going to operate from his own lair, he's going to know that I don't know that he knows he doesn't want to be the obvious person operating from his lair, so he's going to take precautions so that I don't know that he knows that I know that he's the obvious person operating from his lair, so he'll make sure he isn't himself when he's operating from his lair."
*sound of Ingrid's head throbbing in pain* "Y-Yes, of course, ma'am. I understand. May I go get an aspirin?"

*later, at Lord Dave's lair*
*rings doorbell* Bwahaha. Everything is falling into place. Let's review my to-do list:
1. Buy discount evil supercomputer.
2. Email cybergenetic viruses to Mr. Sitouh.
3. Download Lord Dave's DNA.
4. Destroy him, laughing maniacally.
*door opens, while ominous music plays in the background*
5. Find whoever keeps playing that music, and make him suffer.

[Lord Dave]

Dave answers the door, but Dave is not dressed as Dave, Dave is dressed as an evil computer salesman (ie. suit and mustache)

Dave: Ahh, customers! Welcome, welcome. Please, step inside. And I would like to say its such a pleasure to find such a ravishingly beautiful woman lighten up my dark, evil store.

Inside its dark, but the room is full of gizmoes and such with brightly colored signs indicating sales and prices. There is even a universal nuclear detonator remote for a mere $1.5 million, on sale from $2 million. Boring, elevator music plays in the background.

Dave: Now, how can I destroy- I mean help you today?

[Dr. Amino]

Wow. This salesman did a great job remodeling Lord Dave's lair. Except for the elevator music. Even Lord Dave has better taste in music than that.

"Now, how can I destroy-I mean, help you today?"
"I'm just looking for a computer that can email viruses to supercomputers. You know, nothing too pricey. Unless you also happen to have a fast DNA scanner I could purchase."
"Well, let me start off by destroying-I mean, showing you my evil computers."
"Did you just say 'destroying'?"
"No, of course not. I mean, why would I say 'destroying'? There's no reason why a legitimate salesman such as myself would say 'destroying' to a customer."
"Oh, please. I see right through your little charade." Did he really think he could fool me with that act? It's so obvious.
"You do?" *Dave prepares to activate security system, worried that Dr. Amino has realized he is Lord Dave in disguise*
"Of course. You have a cultural dialect that requires you to say 'destroy'. I understand. I can respect cultural dialects."
*Dave sighs with relief* "Yes, how silly of me. Here are our evil computers."
*turns towards table, allowing Dave to activate security system unnoticed* Let's see...*points to computer* "That one." *picks up computer* "How much does it-" *turns around and finds herself trapped by an array of viciously glowing laser beams* "What's going on?"
*Dave cackles a mysterious and foreboding cackle* "You just fell into my trap, Dr. Amino. I have to admit, it was easier to fool you than I thought." Why is the computer salesman cackling? Why is he ripping off his moustache? Oh, no! It's Lord Dave! He outsmarted me! He must have known that I know that the only possible person who could be operating from Lord Dave's...oh forget it. "And now, Dr. Amino, I will destroy you once and for all."
"Okay, so by 'destroy', do you mean..."
"Destroy."

[Lord Dave]

Dave: Vengence will soon be mine. Lets see.... Ah, here we go.
Pulls out his Neil Diamon album and a DVD of Barney and Friends, placing each in its proper player, hooked up to the main power.

Dave: Now, before I turn your brain into jelly I want to know.... why do you want an evil computer anyway?

[Dr. Amino]

"Why do you want an evil computer anyways?"
Lord Dave is serious about this 'destroying' thing. I mean, Barney? There's only one thing worse than Barney, and that's…*shudders*. "Why do I want an evil computer? Well, you see, I think it could benefit us both if you give me access to an evil computer. You see, I have a flash drive containing cybergenetic computer viruses that I plan to unleash on Mr. Sitouh's supercomputer. We would both be rid of a distraction and be free to destroy each other in a nonsensical and Rube-Goldberg-like fashion."
"You bring up a good point…but somehow the risks of giving you a computer outweigh the benefits. Prepare to be educated, Amino." *finger is about to press the play button*
"Wait! That's not all! I was also planning to use it to gain access to the government's satellite-controlled laser beam to destroy an ignorant computer salesman...named Dan."
*Dave gasps at the mention of one of the Conspiracy's most hated enemies* "A Dan? Oh, by all means, destroy him immediately." *hands over computer through laser bars*
/Accessing government satellites…Access granted. Target locked. Countdown…3…2…1./ *explosion is heard just outside lair* And Dan the incompetent salesman is no more. The Dan Alliance will be furious, but there's not much more they can do to me now.
/Accessing lair security measures…Access granted. Self-destruct sequence activated./
"Oh, and there's one more thing that I forgot to tell you, Dave."
*flashing red lights, sirens, etc.* "LAIR SELF-DESTRUCT ACTIVATED. SELF DESTRUCT IN THIRTY. TWENTY-NINE. TWENTY-EIGHT. TWENTY SEVEN."
"I needed to activate the self-destruct mechanism in your lair." Heh.
"You ignorant fool!" *starts to flee, then stops* "You do realize that you're still trapped and the lair is about to self-destruct."
"…Oh. Right." It really wasn't the most well-thought-out plan.
"Oh, well. I may have lost over five million dollars worth of equipment, I have also lost my arch-foe. Farewell, Dr. Amino!" *flees lair*
"TEN. NINE. EIGHT." Oh, boy.

[Lord Dave]

After Dave disappears he runs back inside and hits the pause button on his VCR, pausing the countdown. He walks to Dr. Amino, reaches through the laser bars and grabs the evil flash drive.

Dave: I'll just take that. I can use it to destroy Sitouh. You see, he is my arch nemesis! Well... one of them anyway.

Amino: He's mine!

Dave: On the contrary. He is responsible for my madness.

Amino: How?

Dave: You see, he once caused all the traffic lights in the city to malfunction, causing many horrible accidents. I was working at a marketing firm on the Colgate project. It was the biggest project ever and my greatest work to date. But one of the victims of Mr. Sitouh was the night janitor of my building. That night nothing was cleaned. The day before someone spilled a bag of Peanut M&Ms on the floor so by morning it was there. The company liason had walked in behind his secretary, eager to fool around. He got close and she looked down and saw a mouse eating the M&Ms. She created, throwing the liason back, causing him to slip on the small food, and bang his head on the table, killing him. The next day, on the day of my presentation, Colgate pulled out. My greatest work all for nothing. I went to the comedy club to cheer up but... well, lets just say the ignorance drove me mad. So you see? I must destroy him!

OFF:
Yes, a long winded monologue!

[Dr. Amino]

"Oh, yeah? Well…he's responsible for my madness, too!"
"How, Amino?"
"Um…er…he…okay, maybe he isn't responsible for my madness, but that doesn't mean I can't destroy him! And why do you keep the controls to your base on your VCR?"
"Because it has labeled buttons and a user-friendly interface."
"All righty, then. Why don't you go along your merry way to destroy Mr. Sitouh and leaving me here to my doom?"
*Dave is slightly suspicious, but says nothing* "Okay…" *Dave presses play button and flees lair*
"SEVEN. SIX. FIVE."
"I knew that universal remote I bought would come in handy." *pulls out universal remote and presses 'pause' button*
*countdown ceases counting*
"Now, to get out of here." *presses 'power off' button*
*lasers stop laser-ing*
*flees lair, which soon explodes* Ah, yes, everything is going according to plan…
(It is?)
(Of course, President Grant. Lord Dave thinks I am dead, he and Mr. Sitouh are going to destroy each other for me, Dan the computer salesman has been annihilated, and I got an evil computer free of charge. Everything has gone exactly according to plan.)
(You're just making this up as you go along, aren't you?)
(Is there any other way to plan?)

[SoItBegins]

Is there any other way to plan?

See Parts 5 and 6 of The Mad Scientist Wars. Me+JN worked that one out by PM in advance.

[Professor Zobot]

(That reminds me. If I ever stop being good, I need to start planning my sinister revenge.)

(Oh, don't mind me. You guys keep blasting each other.)

[Lord Dave]

Dave: With Dr. Amino dead I can enact my revenge on Mr. Sitouh without concern. First I need to get my ingeniously evil device...
Turning around he sees the smoking remains of his lair.

Dave: First I need a new lair... Hmm.... well Dr. Amino is dead so I can just take her lair. I'm sure her henchwoman will gladly work for me.

Dave takes a bus to Dr. Amino's lab and strolls in. Ingrid stops him with a large gun.

Ingrid: Halt!

Dave holds up a picture of Ernest Borgnine and Ralph Nader naked with a bottle of baby oil.

Dave: Out of my way, Dr. Amino is dead and thus her lab is mine.

[Dr. Amino]

Dave stands in front of my lair, telling Ingrid that I am dead and my lair belongs to him. Somehow, Ingrid does not believe that I am dead. Perhaps it is her resounding faith in my ability to save myself from difficult situations. Perhaps it is the fact that department protocol mandates that she 'remain calm' in such a situation. Or perhaps it is the fact that she just gave me a cup of coffee when I returned from Lord Dave's lair a few minutes ago.

"Has the body been identified? Have the police registered her as officially dead?" I'm so glad Ingrid used to take courses in homocide investigation before she became an evil secretary. *smiles while hiding behind rather large desk*
"What?"
"Dr. Amino cannot be pronounced dead unless the body has been identified as hers."
"There is no body! My lair exploded with her inside!"
"If there is no body, then Dr. Amino cannot be declared dead. Thus, you have no right to her lair. Now leave before I am forced to use this on you." *Ingrid warms up giant gun*
"You get out of my way before I am forced to use this on you." *Dave holds up picture*
*sound of giant gun blasting a hole in said picture* "Now, unless you can provide proof of Dr. Amino's death, I shall have to ask you to leave, sir."
*Dave scowls and leaves to sift through the rubble in his lair*
*pops out of hiding place* "Good job, Ingrid. Now, our next step is to make Lord Dave think I am dead." *pulls out set of charred black teeth* "These are exact replicas of my teeth. They have the same DNA, the same cavities, and they have been exposed to an explosion of rather large magnitude matching that of the one that destroyed Dave's lair. All we must do is plant them there and he will be sure I am dead."
"But, ma'am, won't he come back here then to claim your lair?"
"Oh, yes he will, Ingrid." *evil grin* "But we'll be ready for him." BWAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHA!

[chicgeek]

My, I was fortunate to aqquire this abandoned pasta factory to make into my evil lair. Ooh,the spagetti maker has possibilities. It's like a giant playdo fun factory! But it will be my enemies being turned into squooshy bits. heh.heh...
I really must get to work on my death ray. One never knows when the neighbors might pop in, and I do so want to provide a warm welcome. I'd better make some more coffee.Even though others may not appreciate the electric current running through it.But coffee should provide a buzz,plus it does wonders for my curls.At least my earthquake generator is fully functioning.It was so satisfying testing it out at the Quik E Mart this morning...such a lovely fireball.
Ha! That's one less pompous mysoginist in the world. Take credit for my work,will he? Not anymore! But I've moved beyond the university and petty academic squabbles. Now that Tesla's secrets are mine to play with, the world shall come to fear me! Or at least the greater metropolitan area!
Tesla's secrets...my genius...not to mention my beauty...they don't stand a chance. Hmmm, I think I'll start by redesigning the controls. Not only will it obliterate everything within it's range, I can choose to set it for specifics. All plant life. All vermin. Left handed amway salesemen born on a TUESDAY! Why? Why not?
I do like the wall of clockwork gears I've installed. My enemies won't know if it's a mad device, or simply exquisite taste in decor.Hah! Little will they know it's both!
But I really must finish my dirigible. Lets see, I've added the forcefield,the supercharger,and the tokomak reactor...ah! racing stripes! Just the thing!
After lunch.Hmm,why's there's still some pasta in this machine. A little radiation,and it'll be good as new.Better! Now, if I only had some tomatos...

[Wallycaine]

"Wow, there sure are a lot of explosions around here. I hope that the local mad scientists haven't blown each other up yet. I still want to be a part of that."

Wally walked down the street, having just gotten some flowers for his botany experiments. Lagos, having just eaten the window plants, hopped his way back over to his creator.

"Well, if you want to be a part of the blowing things up, you need to get involved somehow. Introduce yourself to the local crowd in true mad scientist fashion. Do something..."

"Of course, I should introduce myself. I believe that would be Dr. Amino's lair over there. Maybe I should give her a lair-warming gift," he said, patting the soil of the flowers, "and I should find out if she wants to have a party. Ohhh, won't this be fun!"

Lagos sighed. 'Why do I even bother trying to talk to him. You'd think he'd want to blow people up, but nooooo. I get stuck with the weirdo.' He hopped quickly in Wallace's wake, dodging the occasional brave child.

Wally rang the doorbell, and looked up at the secretary who answered. "Hello, I am Wally C., Mad Scientist. I come bearing gifts. Is your employer in?"

[SoItBegins]

An advertisement:

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[Dr. Amino]

"All we must do now is-" *knocking on door* "Answer the door, Ingrid. I've got to hide." *hides behind large desk*
*Ingrid opens door*
"Hello, I'm Wally C. May I speak with your employer?"
"Do you have an appointment?"
"Um...No."
*Ingrid slams door in Wally's face*
"But, ma'am! It's urgent! I must speak with Dr. Amino."
*Ingrid sighs, and opens door*
"Hello, ma'am. I am Wally C. I wished to give Dr. Amino a lair-warming gift. I am an evil scientist who dabbles in botany, necromancy, and-"
"Yes, yes. Dr. Amino should be at Lord Dave's lair down there. Most likely she will be dead, and her corpse blown to smithereens."
"Oh, dear."
"But if you are going to Lord Dave's lair, you'll need to give him a proper lair-warming gift. Here." *Ingrid hands him a DVD* "Twenty-seven hours of stand-up comedy. Trust me, Lord Dave will love it. Good-bye." *Ingrid closes door*
*gets out of hiding place* "You gave Wally stand-up comedy to Lord Dave? He'll face a slow death by eighties music if he's lucky. That's...that's evil, Ingrid. Good job! I'm giving you that raise you wanted! Now, on the off case he survuves his encounter with Lord Dave, I must figure out how to eliminate Wally...wait. Did he say he dabbled in necromancy?"
"I believe so, ma'am."
"In that case, I think I know how to make Lord Dave and Wally destroy each other for me...bwahaha."

[Lord Dave]

Arriving at the rubble of his old lair, Dave frowns. No body was immediately visible and the thought of dirtying himself up sifting through wasn't pleasant.

Dave: Well, guess I'll just have to go to plan B. If everyone in the world thinks something then its true.

He walks to the local radio station to give the news.