Comics by Shaenon II

[SoItBegins]

Think you have what it takes to be a powerful Mad Scientist? Want to join The Mad Scientist Wars? Well, doing so is easy! To start, post in this thread, with the post containing a few sentences with the Mad Scientist version of you involved in some sort of nefarious activity.

Eventually, if a slot opens, I'll pick someone who's posted in here and extend them an invitation to The Mad Scientist Wars!

[That Guy]

That Guy is currently contracted as Henchman to Professor Tinker.

The job search just never ends. This area has seen a lot of mad activity though lately so I should be able to get some work.

Now let's see... I'll put an ad in the local paper.

~-~

Assistant Seeking Employment

Familiar with:

-Evil Filing Systems

-Care of Varieties of Lab Creatures

-Close & Range Combat

-"Some" Tactical Nuclear Devices

-Origami

-107 Techniques of Destruction

Previous Employers:

-Dr. Frank N. Stein Jr. (eaten by carnivorous chinchillas)

-Dr. Josephine Dearthly (exploded in satellite)

-Philip "Deathwish" Stevens (killed by military after transformation into giant Preying Mantis)

-Dr. Steven/Stephanie Jordan (lost in transporter incident, contactable by seance)

Likes include- freshly folded laundry and enchiladas. Dislikes include- being experimented on and being shot at.

Required Benefits:

-Paid Death Leave

-Wages one can live on

-Identifiable liquids in break room

To be contacted at: phone number illegible
~-~

There hopefully I'll get some job offers. It shouldn't be too hard with so many mads in town. And if I don't get any job offers I can move on to the next town.

---

Yes I know that it's supposed to be for mad scientists but all that inventing is just too hard. As a henchman I can laugh maniacally without all the hassle.

P.S. Technically there are only a few sentences. Most of it is bullets.

[SoItBegins]

That's OK-- who knows... maybe one of the local mads can use you.
Literally.

[Professor Zobot]

Dear Mr...Guy, was it?

I may have some use for you, if you're interested in a henching position under me. The pay should be more than enough to satisfy you, since it's not my money you'll be earning, and I can assure you that I always clearly label my liquids.

I can also assure you that I have no intention on experimenting on anyone in my employ, although I consider their pets and possibly unliked family members as fair game if they wander into the lab.

That being said, I will not hire a minion unless I know they are capable of meeting my insidious needs. Please respond to the following questions, if you are interested:

A) On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your ability to wrangle malfunctioning robots?

B) Do you have any experience with electronics?

C) If necessary, which part(s) of your body would you least miss if you were wounded on the job and needed medical upgrades to continue functioning?

(PM me with your responses if you are interested!)

[Dr. Amino]

*sigh*...Okay, to start, I'm Dr. Dana N. Amino, and this is President Grant.
(Hello.)
(Shut up, President Grant!)
I would like to be a part of the "Mad Scientist Wars". I posted a full version of my resume, but it accidentally got posted as a whole new topic, titled: 'BWAHAHAHAHA!'. If the administrator could move it to the "Mad Scientist Wars Signup Queue", I would be greatly in their debt.
(As would I)
(Shut up, President Grant!)
I am sorry for the confusion. I blame Ingrid.

[SoItBegins]

(This post has been moved from the other topic it was created in. It was originally created by Dr. Amino.)

Geez, it's impossible for a mad genius to find a job...what's this? Mad Scientist Wars...that sounds intriguing.
"Ingrid! Send an email to the members of the Mad Scientist Wars!"
"Yes, ma'am"

"Ahem-'Dear Mad Scientist War Members,
My name is Dr. Dana N. Amino. Like yourselves, I too have been diagnosed with mad genius, along with schizophrenia, but of course I'm not really schizophrenic-

(Of course you're not)
(Oh, shut up, President Grant!)

-I have a minor in robotics and I majored in genetics.My specialty is cloning humans. I was almost kicked out of college by my dean, but I avoided it by replacing him with an evil clone-

(I told her she shouldn't have done it)
(Shut up, President Grant! It was the Megalogical Rocket Society's idea!)

-I don't have any experience with evil villany per se, but I have been called evil and twisted by many people, especially the PETC--People for the Ethical Treatment of Clones--so I thought I'd give villany a shot. My assets include my ability to clone a human being out of nothing but a fingernail and some duct tape, my army of savage chinchilla clones, and my secretary, Ingrid. I hope you will allow me to participate in the Mad Scientist Wars, but if you don't I will be forced to kill you all-

(She doesn't mean that)
(Yes, I do!)

-Sincerely: Dr. Dana N. Amino, Mad Genius; President Ulysses S. Grant, President of the United States; and the Megalogical Rocket Society'"

"Is that all, ma'am?"
"Yes, Ingrid. Oh, and can you get me some coffee?"
(Better make it decaf)
(Decaf is *evil*, President Grant)

[Professor_Tinker]

Dear Mister Guy
- I have read your advert, and was impressed by your list of skills.
I could, in fact, find a great deal of use in both assistance with my beloved monstrosities, my evil filing, and origami.

I specialize in evil Literature, and evil Biology, with some experience in Evil Botany (learned from my mother, the well known Dr. Kathleen Avery, Mad Botanist and manipulator.).

I offer not only Paid Death Leave, Good wages, and some fantastic and non-evil coffee, soda and snack fortified break room (i am a writer, after all), but also paid Hospital leave, free and unrestricted internet access, and free immunization from the toxins in my lab and creatures.

If interested, please respond and include one Shakespeare quote, from whichever source you wish.

- Professor Andrew K. Tinker.
P.s Do you have any experience with Vorpal rabbits?

[Eddurd]

Hmmm ... seems to be a lot of scientific activity around ... (removing an annoying nanobot from my left nostril) ... and of course, what every mad scientist needs is a reputable supplier!

Coming soon to your neighborhood, the Merchant of Menace. Supplier of electronics, robotics, mutagenic chemicals, explosives, small arms, large arms, thermonuclear arms, building materials, and party supplies to the mad scientific community. Copy, print, fax, and overnight shipping of threats and manifestos to world leaders at competitive rates. Equal opportunity imploder.

[Professor Zobot]

The merchant of menace? Mr. Eddurd, I believe that I purchased an earthquake generation device from one of your catalogs once before.

I can certainly be called to vouch for you should some of the other madmen in town question the quality of your goods. Is there any chance you could deliver a crate or two of hazardous mutagens to my address sometime soon? I'm no mad biologist, and I have a terrible time making them myself as a result.

EDIT: Nevermind, I should have just read the post at the top of the page. My questions are answered.

[Mr Sitouh]

The problem with being a mad applied mathematician/computer scientist is that most of your time is spent waiting around for your computer to finish compiling and running. Maybe I should take up mad physics to fill the time.

Ooh, hold that thought. Turing's got something printing out.

Hmm, yes. Expected that, analysis normal, yes, yes... Oh, this is interesting. This is very interesting. Something like this could be handy.

Five minutes later:

Well, if my models are correct, those annoying Russian mafioso who've been hassling me about a loan should be dealt with in the next few days. I've learned my lesson - steal the money yourself, it's easier.

[Lord Dave]

Hello. Just saw the move and figured I'd make myself known again. Why not right? And this mad genius war? Fantastic.

------------------

The dark and evil Dave broods in his lair: An abandon theater, overrun with cobwebs and cockroaches. He ponders back to his last day of sanity. The day he became Mad.... It was in this very theater, listen to the comic styling of Libro Nostromad and he had just finished a monologue about how he hates his mother in law. The audience laughed at his crude puns yet Dave cringed. His eye twitched at the bad puns, the illogical jokes, and the insensitive way he called his mother in law filthy names while his wife sat in the front row. Dave got up and began to leave when he heard.... the joke. The one final joke that broke what little sanity he had left. The Black Box joke. The sheer ignorant way the audience laughed at it was more then he could handle. He turned around, facing the audience. Pure madness and anger in his eyes.

Dave: I know. I know why they don't make the plane out of it.

No one listened as the comic went onto his next joke about the flight attendants.

Dave: I said I know you ignorant fools! Stop your pathetic yammering and listen!

A few members of the audience shushed him, but he would have none of it. He stormed to center stage and took the mic from the comic, screaming into it.

Dave: Its too heavy you dolts! A plane must be light enough to fly and the box is made of titanium. With a density of 4.11 grams per cubic meter, you couldn't possibly lift a plane that heavy with puny engines!

By now security had been called and tried to drag Dave away.

Dave: Doomed! Your all doomed! You and your reality TV and your Britney Spears! I'll destroy all of you!

Dave floated back into reality. His course of action now clear as he addressed the anchors of E! television.

Dave: You will shut down your idiot broadcast immediately or I shall use THIS!
I hold up a DVD, unmarked.
Dave: All 7 hours of behind the scenes to Survivor, season 1. Showing absolute proof that it was faked! And when you lay there, soaking up the absolute, horrible truth of reality, I shall laugh, laugh I say! BWAAHHAHAAHAHAH!!!

[SoItBegins]

Survivor was faked? Really?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ATTENTION ALL WHO HAVE SIGNED UP HERE AND ARE WAITING (patiently, I hope) FOR AN INVITATION:

I'm going to keep things under my hat for now, but it looks as if all of you will get an invitation soon. Don't lose hope.

Heh heh heh.

[Mr Sitouh]

Excellent.

Turing, you heard the man, get to work. I want three independent botnets of at least 5,000 zombies each before things get rolling.

The game's afoot!

[Lord Dave]

Survivor was faked? Really?

Yes. Because I said so.

Turing, you heard the man, get to work. I want three independent botnets of at least 5,000 zombies each before things get rolling.

HA! Your zombies are no match for my supply of... OLSEN TWINS MOVIES! MWAHAHAHAHAH!!

[Dr. Amino]

Oh, yes, all is going according to pla--wait, WHAT?! Survivor was faked? CURSE YOU, LORD DAVE! How dare you tell me Survivor was faked!!!
(You didn't know that?)
Be quiet, President Grant! Survivor was NOT faked, no matter WHAT this Lord Dave says!
(This 'Lord Dave' has wronged us. We must retaliate!)
Quite right you are, Chairman Zarquon. We shall show Lord Dave what happens when you anger Dr. Dana Amino and the Megalogical Rocket Society!
(And?)
*sigh* And President Grant.
"Ingrid! Ready the army of chinchilla clones!"
"Yes, ma'am."

[Lord Dave]

Mini madness war? Here? You fool!
There aren't enough people watching here.

[SoItBegins]

You can if you keep the noise down. Remember: soon...

[Professor Zobot]

Hmm...a practice war between you young'ins would be interesting to watch before you get into the main event.

*Sets up a lawn chair and gets a glass of lemonade*

Don't mind me, go on with what you're doing.

[Lord Dave]

May we make a practice war Begins? In another thread perhaps?

[SoItBegins]

Thus was born The Mad Scientist Practice Wars.

[Desius]

Desius is currently contracted as Henchman to chicgeek.

Des shook his head, groggily remembering a shovel heading right at his face. Or, at least, he would be shaking it if he wasn't securely bound and gagged. He glanced down at the sign taped to his chest, "Free henchman* with every purchase!" Struggling, he screamed, the noise muffled by the gag. Memories of a box claiming great opportunities at the side of the road filtered through. He had stopped only for a second, wondering what was going on, and glancing at the pamphlet when he remembered turning and then...
Pow!
The memory of the shovel brought back the pain as he continued to thrash in his chair.
"Are these any good?" sniffed one lady wrapped in a labcoat and topped with an overly expensive hat, flickering her fingers at him.
"Top of the line, ma'm, top o' the line. I mean look at him, look at that spunk, that fiestiness, he's just raring to be mutated, shot, burned, what ever your heart and expirements desire."
"Really? He looks a bit... desperate."
"Only to serve you ma'm. Only to serve you," the salesman assured, leaking sincerity, twirling his oiled mustache. The badge "Mad Science 'R' Us," caught Des's eyes as he floundered in his chair.
"Well," mused the woman, tapping her lips, "I simply must have that new death ray, in pretty pastel pink, but.... I don't like this one. Too much meat on his bones, my precious might get indigestion."
"Of course, ma'am, of course."
"I'll take that one instead," the woman pointed at the helpless sap bound next to him.
Watching them drag away the poor man, Des stared out in shock wondering which crazed deranged mind would claim him.

*Henchman requires breaking in. Loyalty guarentee plans optional, Mad Science 'R' Us does not guarentee any or all skills, training or previous experience with free henchmen. Honestly, we kidnapped these people of the side of the road, what do you really expect from us?

[Lord Dave]

Welcome new Henchman.

[Desius]

Heh, thank ye kind sir.
Just waiting to jump in and join the fun in the practice wars, though I don't see anything just yet. If one of y'all would kindly kidnap, say an innocent bystander, or perhaps order a toy from your friendly "Mad Science 'R' Us," with free henchman included it would be much appreciated.
I noticed I just missed such an opportunity.
Curses! You'll all pay!
... I mean, Don't kill me please, I'll be good.

In terms of sellin' myself as it were, Des is the type of henchman that hasn't... well, "fully embraced his exciting new career choice." He strokes the ego's of his new employers with such classics such as: "Are you MAD?," "That's impossible! It'll never work!" or even, "My god, you've created an abomination!" At times, he feels he's the only one sane in an insane world. Unfortantly for him, working with mad scientists, he often is. Perfect straightman, quick to point out the flaws in the logical process of madmen, and most importantly, completely ignorant of the consequences of doing so, Des makes the perfect henchman for the more "torture the henchman" sort of scientist, with strong marks to the "order the impossible and watch the henchmen suffer." Yours only for a limited time!

[Lord Dave]

Well it looks like only me and Amino are in the war these days. But that doesn't mean we can't NPC Mr Sitouh, killing him in ways no one really understands.

Anywho, I may ask for a henchman once me and Dana get settled.

[Wallycaine]

Hahahahaha! Those fools had doubted him, taunted him with his lack of a degree, dared him to try and defeat him, and look at them now. Now he needed to make everyone bend before him like...

Wallace Caine sighed. He really had to work on his internal ranting monologue. It always was hit or miss, and it was really annoying when he needed to gloat and it just wouldn't come. Well, he probably could turn off the stealth field by now, most of the police that might have been after him were dealing with the simultaneous rampage and explosion at the former community college. Speaking of which, he probably needed to get the car to a deserving henchmen soon. Although his inventions generally remained functioning for quite a while, keeping them never entered Wally's brain, with some notable exceptions.

"Hey, are you doing ok back there?" He said, staring into the rear view mirror. "I think I've got enough lettuce in the hopper, but I didn't have time to check before we left."

"I'm doing fine." Replied Lagos testily. "How many times must I remind you that I will verbalize if I have any problems whatsoever. You'd think that after twelve years you'd learn that I can take care of myself."

"I know, I just worry. I read somewhere that Gray Flemish Giants are twice as likely to die of starvation as other breeds."

"Wally, how many times must I remind you that I'm no longer a Grey Flemish Giant, I'm one of a kind. I mean, I think that the prosthetic tail You attached would be a dead giveaway. I swear, you were smarter at seven."

"Alright, alright already. I get it. Stop being so damned expository anyway. Where do you think we should be stopping."

"The next town sounds alright. Beetlebox says that it's already got a thriving mad scientist community, and has a nice abandoned barn not far out of town."

"I guess we'll see. I hope we get there soon."

Wally pulled off onto the exit, and hoped that it didn't turn out like the last community he visited. Or maybe he did. Who knows but him.

[Zaks]

Hey! Is it too late to get in on this?

My name is Zaks, and I'm a mad scientist!

...well, kinda, anyway. See, it's sort of difficult to explain. The "Mad" and the "scientist" are kind of separate with me. Half the time I'm a sane, sober evil genius, and the other half of the time I'm rolling on the floor mumbling about peanut butter and drooling on myself. Or something like that.

I'm a mad chemist, as well as a geneticist with a fondness for transformations of various sorts. And I'm not against dabbling in the supernatural to get a job done either, heh heh heh.

Anyways, I just hope I haven't missed the auditions yet. I'd really like a chance to unleash some mutagens upon the world at large.

[Lord Dave]

Well then hop on into the practice wars and lay siege to the world.

[chicgeek]

Underestimate me,will they? Offer me a job as a lowly research technichian? Steal all the credit for my genius? Well,well,it's a good thing mr.high and mighty faculty head thought sorting through those dusty crates was beneath him. "let her do it-it'll keep her out of the way while we do the real work."
HA! And again, HA! I found the clues! I decifered the code! At long last,the lost files of Nikola Tesla are MINE!
There are inventions here that put his death ray to shame. They will serve as the nuggets of inspiration for my brilliance. Saint Tesla, I will build them! Improve them! First, to use the hitherto unknown radio frequency i've developed to cause an earthquake. A highly localized earthquake. Under the Quik E Mart where that pompous fool is filling his lamborgini. My, just look at the fireball...ooh,pretty.
Now, to set up my secret lair in this abandoned pasta factory. I, The ChicGeek, must work on all the variations I've planned for my improved death ray. No, first I need to decorate. I think I need some oversized clockwork gears on this wall. No,no,first of all...
Lightning crashes.
"HA! HA! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

[Zaks]

Hey, sorry I've been gone for so long. Won't happen again. Now then, I believe I'll sneak on over to the Practice War thread and cause some ruckus...

Mwahahahahaha. Ha.

[blazerflarey]

Well I am a fresh out of high school new mad. My specialties is mainly numbers, because to me the numbers mean everything, because every thing can be given a number and numbers can be altered. I wish to learn more about the mad sciences. I am currently looking for a teacher. I wish to inform people that I can manipulate numbers in any shape, way or form; anyways several normal sciences are mainly the interaction of numbers. I am oblivious at times, and I will sometimes go on and on on some subjects, but that is a tendency of those of us with Asperger Syndrome. NOTE: TOUCHING THIS PERSON IS A GOOD WAY TO ANGER HIM!